


Let me know it's not all in my mind

by somebody_else1412



Category: Dunkirk (2017)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Gen, Trauma, i wanted to write something and then i blocked, it's just, maybe there will be a follow up buut idk, obv general warning for something happening during the war, only mentioned bu yk, so that's that, them talking on the train
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:35:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28410090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somebody_else1412/pseuds/somebody_else1412
Summary: Alex and Tommy talk on the train back home, through the aftershock of the battle.--I wrote this at 2am after watching Dunkirk, I wanted to write more but don't know where it's going so for now it's a one-shot.Doubt anyone still read anything related to that movie but if you do enjoyy!
Kudos: 5





	Let me know it's not all in my mind

Tommy knew the other soldier had long stopped listening to him. But he kept reading aloud. He did not really know why. Maybe reading Churchill talk about what just happened - he did not think battle could be an appropriate word, battling for survival maybe, but not in the strict military sense of the term, would make it feel real.  
Maybe reading about their bravery would finally make him feel brave.  
But he was not brave.  
Tommy still felt soaked down to his bone, like he would never be able to really get out of the water. And he suddenly felt very tired. He did not have time to until now.  
He did not have the time to reflect on everything that had happened.  
All his regiment, dead.  
Most of the people he had seen on that beach, dead.  
Gibson, dead. And he did not even know his real name.  
He did not save him. 

The train finally screeched to a halt. People were cheering all around. The other soldier was happily gulping from his beer. British flags everywhere. It smelled like beer and victory, but Tommy was not an idiot. They had not won anything. "Surviving is enough," the blind man had said, or something like that he reckoned. It sure did not feel like it now.  
Tommy started crying.  
\--  
Alex was not happy per se, but he finally, finally felt somewhat relaxed. He did survive. He made it home. Nobody was throwing rocks at them. It was okay.  
As okay as it could be anyway.  
He felt a bit bad for not listening when he was the one who had requested it in the first place, but it was hard to concentrate on the frail voice with all the cheering going on.  
And he realized he did not even know the guy's name. Manners and politeness had not exactly been on the forefront on their minds at the time. Alex could not exactly remember properly thinking in the past few days, he just did what was needed. He guesses they were all in the same boat (not literally any more though, thanks heavens) in that regard. But he went through Hell on Earth with that lad. He felt like they should at least know each other's name. 

He turned to the other, about to ask him the question, beer still running down his face and his mouth almost in the form of a smile when the train stopped somewhat abruptly. He almost fell and most of his beer flowed over on his uniform, he cussed softly under his breath but well, what some beer when most of his uniform was still soaked in oil and ocean water really? So he downed the remaining before finally turning to the other boy.  
The paper was thrown on his knees, the blanket falling half on his face and on his shoulder and he was crying.

Now, Alex had seen a lot of shit in the past few months, he had helped injured soldiers, watched friends die, killed people. He's done a lot of things. Was Always able to react quickly to what was going on around him, that's why he was still alive to this day.  
But this, this he didn't know what to do. He was frozen in place. It threw him off, in the middle of the proclamation they were receiving, with the shot of adrenaline pumping through his veins, because he was alive. And this soldier was crying.  
How could he not feel relief like Alex did? What could have him crying now, when they've been through the worst, haven't they?  
He just did not know what to say, what to do.

"Oi mate, your beer's on the ground, should've been careful." He said it as softly as he could, not wanting to scare the other man but, Alex did feel a bit stupid after saying it, but it was too late for that now. Besides most people had already left the carriage, he wanted to leave too, but it felt wrong to leave the other soldier alone. So someone had to do something at one point.  
The other soldier’s brown eyes met his, silent tears still rushing out of them. It didn’t seem like he heard him, not like he understood it, his mouth half opened, but no word coming out of it.  
“Your beer,” Alex said pointing dumbly at the bottle rolling between their feet, “it’s all wasted now.”  
The other guy shrugged, looking back down at the bottle.  
“Worse things happened.”  
And yes, he was right, they both knew it. Alex had been there too. But that still did not feel like something nice to say. He could not help but let a snarky “That sure is one way to look at it, mate” escape him. Alex did not even know why he still bothered to try and speak to the guy. He just wanted to be nice, darn it.

The other soldier seemed to somewhat remember himself.

“’M sorry,” his voice was small. “I know we both were there, I just… I think it’s finally hitting me.”

Alex exhaled, it was not like he could not understand the other man, he had his own breakdown earlier after all.  
“Fair enough, yeah.” His voice was softer than intended, but he did not want the other soldier to think he was alone in all this. He tried to smile a little and waited for the other one to meet his eyes. He did not have to wait long, his head snapping up, his mouth opened but no sounds coming out, like that was not quite the answer he had been expecting. When he seemed to have realized that Alex was not making fun of him or something, his mouth closed, and his lips formed a tentative smile of their own.  
Alex could not help but feel his dimple crease his cheek. 

“Ta, for understanding,” the other one said finally after a few seconds had passed.  
He looked around, like he only just noticed where they were.  
“And for waiting around for me, I guess.”

“It’s all good mate,” quickly answered Alex. “It’s not like I did not have a small breakdown of my own, and after all, it’s not like anyone could blame you. Only shows your human.” He looked down at his hands clasped together, not being able to look the other one in the eyes any more, because it did feel quite weird him waiting around, didn’t it?  
“You seemed quite shaken, didn’t feel like leaving you alone, y’know? And who knows how long you would’ve stayed there if I wasn’t here.” He tried to force out a laugh, but it sounded weird to his own ears. It’s not that what he had said was false, but he did feel like a weirdo saying it aloud now.  
“And also, for what’s worth, I am sorry for your friend.” Alex looked up and the other was looking at him with his brows furrowed. “Y’know, Gibson? Or whatever his real name was, God rest his soul.” He marked a pause, not sure how to continue. “I could have reacted better… it’s just…” 

Before he thought too hard about how he could end his sentence the other cut him off.  
“Like you said, it’s all good,” his eyes seemed to have cleared and his mouth was still forming something resembling a smile. Alex did not know why but seeing that the other was not mad at him, or something lifted the weight of his shoulder and he felt substantially lighter.  
“We were all trying to survive. We are just lucky to be here.”

Alex exhaled, his throat was still aching from inhaling all that salty water and he knew his voice was still going to have that raspy effect for at least a few days. He wondered if he would ever sound like he used to before. He knew as soon as he put on his uniform that he was not going to be the same ever again, but something as small but also as important as his voice never being the same again unsettled him.  
Instead of answering to what the other man had said, he dropped his head back on the seat and asker: “Do you think we will stop smelling smoke?”  
The soldier big black eyes looked at him for a moment, not saying anything. Alex thought he had to maybe make himself clearer.  
“Y’know, I'm just always smelling of smoke – from the weaponry but also because of the cigs. Now I’m afraid the very smell has infiltrated my skin, even though we’ve spent so long in the bloody sea, I can still smell it. The smoke. What if I always smell of smoke? What if our voices never go back to normal?”  
His eyes started to sting a bit more than they already did – he was going to cry again, great. But he knew he was not only asking those superficial questions. And he guesses that the other soldier knew it too. 

“I… I don’t know. I hope so,” the other man answered looking down at his clasped hands. “I used to like the smell of cold tobacco before. Reminded me of home and going out. I hate it now. Maybe even more than I hate the sea. Ironic for the son of a fisherman, innit?” He let out a humourless laugh. 

Alex nodded, not knowing what to add. Only silenced reigned for a bit, cheering could still be heard in the distance, but the crowd was slowly leaving the station, along with the other soldiers. He knew they needed to leave. They had to be somewhere else. To rest, to regroup, to prepare for the next battle. The War was still going on outside of this compartment.  
He looked outside. The sun was shining, he was finally getting somewhat warm. 

“It’s just getting somewhat better before it gets worst, innit?” he said softly. He didn’t know if the other had heard him, but he looked in his direction anyway.  
He was lighting a cigarette. He looked at him slowly, his dark eyes looking almost golden in the sunlight. There was a metaphor in there somewhere, he was sure.  
“Probably, yeah” he answered just as slowly, extending a cigarette. “My name’s Tommy by the way.”

Alex took it, nodding his thank. “Alex. I’d say it’s a pleasure to meet, but you know.” He finished with a smile, lighting his cigarette. Despite what he had said, the feeling of nicotine still felt calming. Maybe he would never stop smelling like smoke. 

“It is what it is.” Tommy answered with a small shrug. He looked calmer. Not at peace, he doubts anyone that was on this train would feel completely at peace again. But he looked calmer. 

They sat back and enjoyed the silence and their cigarettes.


End file.
